I’ve turned to the actual mourning part of my last break up.

At first I felt this sense of relief, because I had been feeling so unhappy in the weeks leading to the breakup. I wasn’t wrong to feel this way. Twice in the time since we’ve broken up, my ex has reacted with anger firing mean text after mean text at me, but there’s a part of me that wishes things had worked out differently.

I feel like there’s something missing in my life. I miss having a partner. Somedays I feel this loneliness that’s sharp and painful. It’s like an actual physical pain.

I hate that feeling. I like to think of myself as independent, but I’m tired of having to be. I’ve raised my kids alone for 17 years now. That’s a long time to be without a full-time partner.

I go through times when I think that there’s something wrong with me, that I’m broken or impossible to love. It’s not a good feeling.

My friends and family say that I’m lovable, but then I wonder why have I been alone for so long.  Why do men only fall in love with me for a short time? Okay, one man has loved me for 20 years, but in the end he chose to do something else.

I have to accept responsibility for this. I haven’t only cared about  bad men. They have had issues, sure, but who doesn’t have issues?  I have issues. Everyone that I know has issues.

I’ve tried, over the years, to mellow on the fighting. I don’t think that it all has to be about me, although with my last two men – long distance – relationships I was adamant that I would not move out of California. I had to be where I felt that I could afford to live with my son.

Lately, it’s occurred to me that I’m not bound by that as much as I thought. I’ve realized that I can make more money with my writing than I thought. That gives me more options, so in the future, if I’m crazy enough to try long distance again, I’ll be more open to moving.

I don’t like to argue. In the last almost 3 years, I’ve been in relationships with two very different men. One liked to fight and the other one, I had very little trouble getting along with. I think in the getting along, I tended to give up too much – I didn’t stand up for myself as much as I should have. I need to find a balance. I need to be able to talk and if I realize that I can’t talk, then I need to recognize that I’m with the wrong person.

You know, there is the possibility that I’m not wrong that I’m not broken. There is the possibility that I have not met the man I’m meant to be with yet. I think I’ll hold onto that one. I’ll work on being a better me, a more confident me.  I won’t give up just yet.

Image credit: Annie