In a recent discussion over lunch recently – While discussing our moving in together, A asked me what I wanted to do…

The conversation went something like this –

Him – “What do you want to do? Do you wanna get married or something?”

Me – “Eventually. Why are you asking?”

Him – “Not now. Not here.”

Me – “Ok”

/end of conversation

Since then, the topic of marriage has come up a couple of times.

Me – “My stomach is really sore. I think I need to take a nap.”

Him – “And here I was going to propose tonight.”

Me – “Nuh Uh!”

/end of conversation

Another time…

Him – “I was thinking we should maybe go ahead and get married rather than just living together.”

Me – “We should at some point I’m sure.”

/end of conversation

Another time…

Him – “I was talking to my mother today and told her we were thinking of getting married.”

Me – “And how did that go?”

He went on to tell me what his mother had said – but the topic itself wasn’t discussed further.

/end of conversation

Now, these conversations have taken place over the last month. I’m not sure what to make of it and wonder if somehow I’m giving mixed signals? If he’s testing the water to see how serious I am? To test the waters to see how NON serious he can remain? To test the waters to make sure he doesn’t get rejected if he asks? To see if I’m willing to just be the girlfriend so he can remain single? Or WHAT?

Men are NOT that simple. I don’t care WHAT people say. They don’t say what’s on their minds AT all.

So earlier today I decided to send him an email – He probably won’t get it until this evening since it’s on his personal account but to me it’s pretty straightforward, but then again, that’s me.

The day we were having lunch and you asked me “what I wanted – if I wanted to get married or what?” My response that day was “at some point.”

What I should have said is “yes, I do” –

I want to be with you and there are so times that I am torn between what my head tells me and what my heart wants.

My head tells me to stay in stay secure in my own house, taking care of me and my kids and not placing myself in the position of risk by moving without the promise, without the commitment.

My heart tells me to go ahead, create the family and trust that you’ll make that commitment to me at some point in the near future.

When I get cranky – those are the times I’m struggling most. The times I’m questioning moving, questioning us living together, fearing the risk I’m taking with me and my kids. It’s during those times that an inner battle is going on between my heart and my head. Investing in a property and home that is not mine in anyway besides a name and numbers on an address label – As you know, I’ve been taken to the cleaners a few times. I know you are so different from the men in my past on so many levels, but does anyone really know what others are capable of doing in the months or years to come? No one can ever know that. Can they?

I love you – I want to be with you – more than anything. I just NEED more than anything to feel secure and I need you to tell me and show me that I have nothing to fear.

Your job in this relationship is to love me and make me feel secure.

 

So tell me, is that difficult to understand? Does that sound like someone is on the fence?

We’ve been together for nearly a year and a half – essentially living together while maintaining two households. From a financial standpoint, it’s kind of silly to maintain two homes when we stay at one. Right?

And men wonder why women are so confusing!

It’s because THEY Make us that way!

While pouting about the house tonight, needing some sort of outlet for my angst, I realized it had been forever since I’d written here. Life seriously gets in the way sometimes, doesn’t it?

So much has happened since my last visit here.

Mr. A and I have decided to move in together. There is no real point in maintaining two entire households when we are actually living in one. Seems foolish to pay double the bills.

We waited for a few things to happen before deciding whether it would be my place or his that we’d end up calling home.

It became obvious that his place made the most sense. We began planning out our colors, painting and making the house a home we would both feel comfortable in.

I really felt like this was going to be a good thing. He’d even care to clean out his desk and tell me he’d gotten rid of all the old girlfriends phone numbers to make me feel comfortable.

I felt safe. I thought I’d been given the “all clear” to work about the house.

Unfortunately I came across some items that have caused me some uneasiness. Not your typical “arm around ex-girlfriend in front of the Christmas tree” sort of items either.

It’s one thing to realize men watch porn – to attempt to be understanding and let the occasional viewing slide.

Is it wrong of me to insist he get rid of a small collection of pictures and videos that he participated in?

Don’t get me wrong, he has said he will get rid of them – however, I have asked to be there when he does. I just don’t trust that he will dispose of it properly and for whatever reason, he seems to be hanging onto it like it’s some sort of pacifier.

My feelings have also been hurt recently in learning that his ex-girlfriends have experienced a life with him that I haven’t come close to in over a year. Nice restaurants, meeting certain friends and family members, going very different places from what I’m used to. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Sometimes I feel as though I may be too old-fashioned, too sentimental and much too romantic to be involved in a relationship these days.

Then I push all my angst aside and tell myself I’m just over-thinking yet again!