Category: General

Because Facebook Said So…

Written by The Divine Ms. G on January 2, 2010

Facebook recommended him as a friend – so who am I to not listen to Facebook. Obviously they know a lot more about connecting people and communication then I do.

After days of seeing his name pop up on my “suggested friends” list – I finally added Steve.

I know he’s married – I know he has a family – and I’d never do anything to upset that. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to be in easy access should things not work out – ya know?

Seriously though – for all these years, I’ve kept only a memory of this man in the back of my mind. I never had a photo of him – only a few cards he gave me. Yes, I’ve managed to keep them all these years.

Now I have a photo of him – lots of photos actually.

He hasn’t changed much at all really. Still just as handsome as I remember – with the crooked smile and sparkling brown eyes.

There is part of me that feels bad for adding him – but if he didn’t want to be found and if he didn’t want me adding him – he could have refused the request, right?

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Loneliness Sucks

Written by Annie on December 21, 2009

I’ve turned to the actual mourning part of my last break up.

At first I felt this sense of relief, because I had been feeling so unhappy in the weeks leading to the breakup. I wasn’t wrong to feel this way. Twice in the time since we’ve broken up, my ex has reacted with anger firing mean text after mean text at me, but there’s a part of me that wishes things had worked out differently.

DandelionI feel like there’s something missing in my life. I miss having a partner. Somedays I feel this loneliness that’s sharp and painful. It’s like an actual physical pain.

I hate that feeling. I like to think of myself as independent, but I’m tired of having to be. I’ve raised my kids alone for 17 years now. That’s a long time to be without a full-time partner.

I go through times when I think that there’s something wrong with me, that I’m broken or impossible to love. It’s not a good feeling.

My friends and family say that I’m lovable, but then I wonder why have I been alone for so long.  Why do men only fall in love with me for a short time? Okay, one man has loved me for 20 years, but in the end he chose to do something else.

I have to accept responsibility for this. I haven’t only cared about  bad men. They have had issues, sure, but who doesn’t have issues?  I have issues. Everyone that I know has issues.

I’ve tried, over the years, to mellow on the fighting. I don’t think that it all has to be about me, although with my last two men – long distance – relationships I was adamant that I would not move out of California. I had to be where I felt that I could afford to live with my son.

Lately, it’s occurred to me that I’m not bound by that as much as I thought. I’ve realized that I can make more money with my writing than I thought. That gives me more options, so in the future, if I’m crazy enough to try long distance again, I’ll be more open to moving.

I don’t like to argue. In the last almost 3 years, I’ve been in relationships with two very different men. One liked to fight and the other one, I had very little trouble getting along with. I think in the getting along, I tended to give up too much – I didn’t stand up for myself as much as I should have. I need to find a balance. I need to be able to talk and if I realize that I can’t talk, then I need to recognize that I’m with the wrong person.

You know, there is the possibility that I’m not wrong that I’m not broken. There is the possibility that I have not met the man I’m meant to be with yet. I think I’ll hold onto that one. I’ll work on being a better me, a more confident me.  I won’t give up just yet.

Image credit: Annie

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Thanksgiving

Written by Annie on November 26, 2009

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I’ve been thinking about a Thanksgiving that I spent a few years back with an ex that I think of my Big Love. We planned and cooked the meal together. In fact, he was the head cook and I was more like the assistant. He made the most perfect apple pie that I have ever tasted.

Sometime during that perfect day, something slipped out of place and we were never able to get it exactly right again. We – we both had our kids – were all piled on the couch together and he whispered something to me about wanting to go get high. I was shocked and disppointed. What part of the day, what part of our being a family together, made him feel the need to go sit in his car, spot some pot, and isolate himself from everyone else?  Was it too much love, too much togetherness?

I’ve been talking to that ex lately. It’s been a year since we broke up (well, not exactly broke up, broke contact would be more accurate) and even though we are just friends, I can tell that there is still something there. It bothers me that we are not together and I feel that caring about him is what makes me want to date, date, date and not get serious with anyone.

I feel like I’m waiting something out. I’m waiting for him to make changes that he will make at some point, because he can’t go on the way he is indefinitely. I don’t know if I will still be single at that time (not that it would matter, I would still want him, I think. Damn). As much as the whole smoking pot thing bothers me, I feel like my place is beside that man. He was my first love and I never stopped caring about him. Not through a marriage to someone else and a live-in relationship with another man.

I think we’ll be together when we are really old and he will still make the best apple pie that I’ve ever tasted.

Sometimes I think too much.

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Categories: General, Relationships | Tags: , , , , ,

My First, First Date In Years

Written by Annie on November 21, 2009

I mentioned before that I put an ad up at the free online dating service Plenty of Fish. I didn’t get very many hits, which is an ego blow, but I did get asked out on one date.

close-up of laptop michelle smaller“Jim” wanted to take me out to lunch last weekend, but I had previous plans and asked to postpone to the following weekend. Monday morning I got an email from him saying that he met someone special over the weekend and that he was removing his profile from the start. He asked me out on Thursday and by Monday he was in a committed relationship with another person.

I had this sort of I-dodged-a-bullet sort of feeling when I read that. I’m not interested in jumping into another serious relationship. I’ve always been either single or committed and for the first time in my life, I’m really intersted in just DATING. I’d like to meet a nice man, go out for a pleasant evening. I don’t want to deal with relationship stress. I want to enjoy casual relationship fun.

I put a new ad up at Singlesnet.com and boy did I get a big response there. Lots of older guys, whom I am really not interested in meeting, but some nice guys my own age, too. If you are single, put a profile up there and you’ll see what I mean.

I met “K,” a nice guy who lives in a town about 20 minutes away. We texted for a bit throughout the week.  We met for dinner last night and had a good time. I thought he was cute. I’d like to go out with him again, but I am not going to stress about it.

This is the time when I’d usually start analyzing every exchange and wondering what happens next. Maybe I’ll see him again, maybe I won’t. I’m going to keep my options and my eyes open.

Image credit: Annie Savoy

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Categories: General, Online Dating | Tags: , , , , , ,

Hives Suck

Written by Annie on November 7, 2009

When my boyfriend and I broke up a few days ago, I had hoped we could remain friends. At first it seemed that it was possible, but then I made a comment on one of his Facebook updates and he got angry. About 45 angry texts later and I really hope to never hear from him again.

His reaction is so odd. He acts like I broke up with him or wronged him in some way. 
Shouldn’t I be the “injured” party?  Is he upset, because I’m not acting like the injured party?? Would he be more comfortable if I begged, “Baby, please? Can’t we try again?”

broken_window michelleIn the meantime, my previous ex’s girlfriend found out that we were building a friendship and she got upset. I explained that we were only friends, that we talked kids, cooking, and family, but it did not matter and now he’s pulled out of our lives again. It hurt my older daughter’s feelings, but my younger daughter is the one that I worry about. She loves him.  How threatening can two kids be?  

I dislike any sort of tension and nastiness. It makes me feel physically ill.  I can feel that I’m getting hives on my legs. Ridiculous.  I need to let go of these men and their complications. It does not matter what they think about me and my family, because they are no longer a part of our lives.

I really find change challenging.

Image credit: Sxc.hu

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Intentions and Your List

Written by Annie on October 31, 2009

One of the things that I love to do is to read Style blogs. My favorite is written by a girl named Jessica Schroeder. I was reading a couple of her latest entries when I found this one about intentions and the power of thinking positively. 

spiral_notebook sxc.hu michelleShe mentions journaling about her blessings and how writing them down has somehow helped the Universe to unit her with her intentions. Those are my words, not hers. I like to talk about the Universe sometimes. It’s huge. And infinite. Two things that I appreciate about it.

Schroeder says……

Once I wrote down I wanted to be in Lucky Magazine (it happened!). Another time I listed a bunch of things I was looking for in a partner (I found him).  Only after making these intentions and believing that I deserve them and they can come true do they appear in my life…Where there’s a will, there’s a way. You don’t have to know what the path looks like, but if you see the end result, you can achieve it!!

The list. When I first felt myself becoming attracted to my boyfriend, I thought that he fit my list. I was especially attracted to his interest in reading. I thought we’d talk books and that idea intrigued me. We’ve never talked books. He gave me a book to read once.  Here, read this, he said. I know he was reading a book when he visited, someone on Germany around the time of World War II. That’s it. 

I think I need to make a new list. I think he could use a new list, as well. I’m pretty sure that I do not fit him either. Sometimes when I talk to my friend, my friend who has known him even longer than I have, about him she is annoyed with the way that he treats me. In truth I think he means well, but we are very different. We interact with people differently. We want to live different lives.

Sometimes people think that the idea of a list is ridiculous, but I disagree. How are you going to recognize what you want unless you know what that is? There’s also the idea that it means you are too picky. Too picky?  I wish I had been a bit pickier a few times in the past. It would have saved me and my partner for a lot of heartache.

Do you have a list?  What qualities do you want your partner to possess? Here are a few things from my list:

My Ideal Man Will….

*Have a good sense of humor, bordering on the dorky side.
*Be tall and solid.
*Enjoy outdoor activities like hiking, biking, or running.
*Have an appreciation for small town or country living.
*Already be a parent.

Image credit: Sxc.hu

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Hell hath no fury

Written by The Divine Ms. G on October 25, 2009

They say “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” and they say that for a reason.

Single Confessions is a combined effort of lovers, both men and women, scorned. You’ll find confessions of mature and divorced singles on their quest to find true and lasting love.

Experience their bumps along the way and share a few of your own if you like. Advice and input always welcome.

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Categories: General