Because Facebook Said So…

Written by The Divine Ms. G on January 2, 2010

Facebook recommended him as a friend – so who am I to not listen to Facebook. Obviously they know a lot more about connecting people and communication then I do.

After days of seeing his name pop up on my “suggested friends” list – I finally added Steve.

I know he’s married – I know he has a family – and I’d never do anything to upset that. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to be in easy access should things not work out – ya know?

Seriously though – for all these years, I’ve kept only a memory of this man in the back of my mind. I never had a photo of him – only a few cards he gave me. Yes, I’ve managed to keep them all these years.

Now I have a photo of him – lots of photos actually.

He hasn’t changed much at all really. Still just as handsome as I remember – with the crooked smile and sparkling brown eyes.

There is part of me that feels bad for adding him – but if he didn’t want to be found and if he didn’t want me adding him – he could have refused the request, right?

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Categories: General | Tags: , ,

Loneliness Sucks

Written by Annie on December 21, 2009

I’ve turned to the actual mourning part of my last break up.

At first I felt this sense of relief, because I had been feeling so unhappy in the weeks leading to the breakup. I wasn’t wrong to feel this way. Twice in the time since we’ve broken up, my ex has reacted with anger firing mean text after mean text at me, but there’s a part of me that wishes things had worked out differently.

DandelionI feel like there’s something missing in my life. I miss having a partner. Somedays I feel this loneliness that’s sharp and painful. It’s like an actual physical pain.

I hate that feeling. I like to think of myself as independent, but I’m tired of having to be. I’ve raised my kids alone for 17 years now. That’s a long time to be without a full-time partner.

I go through times when I think that there’s something wrong with me, that I’m broken or impossible to love. It’s not a good feeling.

My friends and family say that I’m lovable, but then I wonder why have I been alone for so long.  Why do men only fall in love with me for a short time? Okay, one man has loved me for 20 years, but in the end he chose to do something else.

I have to accept responsibility for this. I haven’t only cared about  bad men. They have had issues, sure, but who doesn’t have issues?  I have issues. Everyone that I know has issues.

I’ve tried, over the years, to mellow on the fighting. I don’t think that it all has to be about me, although with my last two men – long distance – relationships I was adamant that I would not move out of California. I had to be where I felt that I could afford to live with my son.

Lately, it’s occurred to me that I’m not bound by that as much as I thought. I’ve realized that I can make more money with my writing than I thought. That gives me more options, so in the future, if I’m crazy enough to try long distance again, I’ll be more open to moving.

I don’t like to argue. In the last almost 3 years, I’ve been in relationships with two very different men. One liked to fight and the other one, I had very little trouble getting along with. I think in the getting along, I tended to give up too much – I didn’t stand up for myself as much as I should have. I need to find a balance. I need to be able to talk and if I realize that I can’t talk, then I need to recognize that I’m with the wrong person.

You know, there is the possibility that I’m not wrong that I’m not broken. There is the possibility that I have not met the man I’m meant to be with yet. I think I’ll hold onto that one. I’ll work on being a better me, a more confident me.  I won’t give up just yet.

Image credit: Annie

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Dreaming of Choices

Written by Annie on December 13, 2009

I’ve been talking to an ex off and on lately. A year ago we were involved, then I didn’t hear from him, then I did, then I was pissed……..eventually we became friends. He lives in another state, so we don’t  see each other, just talk on the phone or through email.

He’s a dangerous friend for me to have. I recognize the place we are at, because we’ve been here before. Friends and then more. I tell myself stories about how things can work out.

1243928_man_in_bed sxc.hu annieHere are a few of my ideas:

*We can be friends and it will all stay innocent. (Not crazy about this version)

*He comes to visit me and we decide to try things part time. (This could work, I’m not up to him full time right now).

*I move to the town where he lives and we try dating like normal people for a year to see if we can work things out. (This could work, too).

It’s all a dream, really. Our lives and our kids are in two different places. I could move some day, but he can’t. Moving, giving up my security, there’s nothing scarier.

Image credit: Sxc.hu

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Categories: Long Distance Relationship, Relationships | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

If I only knew then…

Written by The Divine Ms. G on December 11, 2009

time travel

Last night my son had a school project in which he was to pretend to be a future self looking back on a former self and write about historical events and people as well as personal events. Kinda complex if you ask me, but it sure got me thinking about all the reflecting I’d done throughout the day prior.

Eighteen years have gone by, but it seems like yesterday. If I could go back to my 23-year-old self to tell her what she’d be doing today – what would I tell her?

I would tell her that at such a young age, broken hearts suck. To not take the events leading to that broken heart of epic proportions and discount your life, existence or self worth. Settling for less will only create a life of struggle after struggle – hold out, live strong, work through the pain and begin living again.

They say when life gets tough, we’ve no one else to blame but ourselves. I’m here to tell ya, I totally blame that 23-year-old me for all the relationship troubles I’ve endured – lame decisions I’ve made and two failed marriages – not to mention ongoing issues I struggle with to this very day.

I can pinpoint the precise moments in time when the decisions I made completely altered the course of time for all time. There are days when I wish I could go back and simply say no instead of yes and yes instead of no – two very simple responses – that’s all it would have taken.

You see, I loved as deeply and intensely as any one person can love another human being. I gave my heart and my soul to a man who treated me like I want to be treated. For that period of time I felt like the most beautiful, most desired woman in the world.

Because this man was so honest, I knew going in that we could never be together for the long-term because of religious differences – and I was ok with that. I had it in my mind that I would enjoy it while I had it. My mind and my heart were prepared.

His brutal honesty up front was something I respected, admired and never questioned.

What I didn’t count on was the one key element that would destroy him, me – Us. It’s a long story and one I’ll certainly share – but for now, I wonder how many people, besides me, can look back in time and recognize the instant your life changed – the instant you wish you could go back to and redo?

If you could tell your former self anything at all, what would you tell her (or him)?

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But Facebook Suggested Him as a Friend!

Written by The Divine Ms. G on December 8, 2009

facebook love

Ever have one of those days where you look back on your life and your relationships and realize just how stupid some of the choices were that you made?

Facebook is a great tool for connecting with friends, relatives and acquaintances, but it can also be quite the slap in the face when you suddenly see, by way of some mutual connection, a friends suggestion for an old flame. Steve… even typing his name sends quivers down my spine. Whispering his name – tickles my lips and flutters my heart.

What the hell does Facebook know?

They know how to kick start old feelings – that’s what they know.

A portion of my day has been spent playing voyeur to the websites and social media profiles of that old flame that Facebook suggests I reconnect with. I say voyeur because, given the circumstances, I would feel a bit awkward in sending a friend request. The dude is married now and has two small children.

I should feel awkward right?

That would be wrong to send a request, right?

I mean – I’m single – technically – and to be honest, it wouldn’t take much to get me to race back into his arms.

That alone makes it wrong! As far as I’m concerned anyway.

It’s ok to write about it though – I mean about the relationship as it was – the passion, the love, the trust, the excitement – all the things onscreen chemistry is made of in Hollywood – I found and lost in the suburbs of a Midwestern city.

It’s been 18 years since I walked away from Steve, but I’ve never been far from him really – I’ve always kept a periodic watch from afar to see how he’s doing, what he’s doing and hope he’s happy (not really, because no girl wants to admit a guy can find happiness or be happy without her!)

That’s what I’ll do, I’ll write! I’ll share the story as I remember it – stay tuned – there’s plenty more to come.

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What I’m Learning About Rules

Written by Annie on December 2, 2009

Here are a few quick rules that I’ve learned from All the Rules….

*Men value that which they have to work for

This makes sense. They like the hunt. No big surprise – our mothers told us from the beginning to play hard to get. Mom was right.

*Be a “creature unlike any other”

I like this one. We have to be unique and complete in our life before we are ready for a man. The idea of another person completing you is a dangerous line in a movie. Sure, I loved it when Tom said it, too, but the reality is that things can change, relationships can fall apart. I do not want to be left with half of a life ever again. I want a full life that is complimented by a partnership with another person…….okay, I guess that the world “partnership” goes with “complete me.”  Obviously, I’m still working on this one. I don’t have the answers yet – just a whole lot of questions and about an ounce of insight.

*Don’t look like you are looking

flipped annieActually, they don’t want you to look at all. Don’t stare.

In the Rules, eye contact is kind of frowned on, which makes no sense to me. I’ve researched and written enough about body language to know that it’s a basic human response to another attractive person.

I’m going to play it cool, but I’ll stick with my tried and true eye contact followed by smile response.

Image credit: Annie

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Categories: Books | Tags: , , , , ,

Reading the Rules

Written by Annie on December 1, 2009

No new dates lately. I think I already dated the only guy anywhere near my age, in my part of the state. Lots of old guys out there. I have nothing against old guys. I look forward to spending time with them when I’m an old gal, but I am not there yet.

All the Rules MichelleI ordered a couple of books. The first is a book that a friend of mine swears by. All the Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider.

So far I’ve read a page or two of the intro. I’ll probably be quoting it here soon – both the good and the bad parts. I don’t want to “play games,” but apparently men like a little of that. They want to feel like they’ve got to work for us. Silly boys.

Hes Just Not That Into You MichelleHave you read The Rules?  What do you think about the book? 

Have you read He’s Just Not That Into You?

Now, that’s a useful book. I wish I could give  copy to every woman out there. We make so many excuses and put up with so much crap, when really he’s just not that into us and we’d be better off on our own, where Mr. Right could actually find us.

I’m rereading He’s Just Not That Into You right now. I’m seeing so much of my most recent ex in there. The funny thing is that he thought he was into me, but in reality, not so much. We text and I can tell he wants to try again, but why?  I’m not going to be a different person, he’s not going to suddenly be into me after all.

Okay, time to get reading.

Image credit: Barnes and Noble.com

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Categories: Books, Idol Chatter | Tags: , , , , , , ,

Thanksgiving

Written by Annie on November 26, 2009

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I’ve been thinking about a Thanksgiving that I spent a few years back with an ex that I think of my Big Love. We planned and cooked the meal together. In fact, he was the head cook and I was more like the assistant. He made the most perfect apple pie that I have ever tasted.

Sometime during that perfect day, something slipped out of place and we were never able to get it exactly right again. We – we both had our kids – were all piled on the couch together and he whispered something to me about wanting to go get high. I was shocked and disppointed. What part of the day, what part of our being a family together, made him feel the need to go sit in his car, spot some pot, and isolate himself from everyone else?  Was it too much love, too much togetherness?

I’ve been talking to that ex lately. It’s been a year since we broke up (well, not exactly broke up, broke contact would be more accurate) and even though we are just friends, I can tell that there is still something there. It bothers me that we are not together and I feel that caring about him is what makes me want to date, date, date and not get serious with anyone.

I feel like I’m waiting something out. I’m waiting for him to make changes that he will make at some point, because he can’t go on the way he is indefinitely. I don’t know if I will still be single at that time (not that it would matter, I would still want him, I think. Damn). As much as the whole smoking pot thing bothers me, I feel like my place is beside that man. He was my first love and I never stopped caring about him. Not through a marriage to someone else and a live-in relationship with another man.

I think we’ll be together when we are really old and he will still make the best apple pie that I’ve ever tasted.

Sometimes I think too much.

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Categories: General, Relationships | Tags: , , , , ,

Some days are tougher than others

Written by The Divine Ms. G on November 22, 2009

Someone once said “love is easy, relationships are hard.” And me, being the aspiring President of Overthinkers International, I take that statement just a wee bit too seriously.

If only I could convince myself that men really were the simple creatures they claim to be!

I find myself listening to every word – observing every action and ponder the data I collect for hours, sometimes Days!

Men are pigs! This is true. But are they not capable of simple respect?

How nice would it be to go out with your man and have him actually NOT notice the young blonde with big tits that walks by?

And how much nicer would it be to have him actually refrain from commenting on the young blonde with big tits for a change?

Is it really normal for a man to think his girlfriend or wife is so secure in their relationship that comments and actions like this don’t sting a little?

I’m not quite convinced that my insecurities aren’t attached to former relationships – so I hesitate to speak up too much at this point. I’m making every effort to get back to that oh so confident me I used to be before two long term relationships left me broken and jaded.

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My First, First Date In Years

Written by Annie on November 21, 2009

I mentioned before that I put an ad up at the free online dating service Plenty of Fish. I didn’t get very many hits, which is an ego blow, but I did get asked out on one date.

close-up of laptop michelle smaller“Jim” wanted to take me out to lunch last weekend, but I had previous plans and asked to postpone to the following weekend. Monday morning I got an email from him saying that he met someone special over the weekend and that he was removing his profile from the start. He asked me out on Thursday and by Monday he was in a committed relationship with another person.

I had this sort of I-dodged-a-bullet sort of feeling when I read that. I’m not interested in jumping into another serious relationship. I’ve always been either single or committed and for the first time in my life, I’m really intersted in just DATING. I’d like to meet a nice man, go out for a pleasant evening. I don’t want to deal with relationship stress. I want to enjoy casual relationship fun.

I put a new ad up at Singlesnet.com and boy did I get a big response there. Lots of older guys, whom I am really not interested in meeting, but some nice guys my own age, too. If you are single, put a profile up there and you’ll see what I mean.

I met “K,” a nice guy who lives in a town about 20 minutes away. We texted for a bit throughout the week.  We met for dinner last night and had a good time. I thought he was cute. I’d like to go out with him again, but I am not going to stress about it.

This is the time when I’d usually start analyzing every exchange and wondering what happens next. Maybe I’ll see him again, maybe I won’t. I’m going to keep my options and my eyes open.

Image credit: Annie Savoy

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